I think I won the penis lottery.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
