Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
