i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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