I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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