FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
