Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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