So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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