Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
