Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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