if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
