my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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