His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
