And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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