I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
