He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
