i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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