4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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