someone owes me an orgasm
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
