I wish I could teleport
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
