i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
