this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
