Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
