I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
