the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
