Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
