Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
