After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
