i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
