so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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