You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
