I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
two words...techno handjob
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
