JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
