Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
