I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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