Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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