My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
