how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
