Im at strip club and am horny
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
