Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
