when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
