i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
