dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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