My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
