Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
