I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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