life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
bring money and cleavage
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
