he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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