Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
