I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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