hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
