um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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