I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So much rum. So many feels.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
