I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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