Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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