Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
