I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
