The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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